We are currently living through a history making moment in time. Future generations will be discussing the Coronavirus Pandemic of 2020 in history lessons. They will be studying what it was like to be in Lockdown. What was meant by Social Distancing and Self Isolation. What is was like to shop for food and food shortages. How families coped without any incomes. What is was like to suffer with Covid 19 and survive. How the Doctors and Nurses coped with the enormous emotional stresses and pressure of so many patients coming into the hospitals for care. Who Built the 4000 bed temporary hospitals called Nightingale Hospitals. Why the armed forces were called in to help. How the laws changed to prevent people massing in parks and on beaches on sunny days. How the disease struck at the heart of Government. How did the economy recover. When I write this down it sounds like something from fiction and hardly believable, but we are living through this and like our grandparents who lived through the 1st and 2nd World War, we are part of this story in history. I wonder if these future history lessons will look at the emotional impact on us, the people of Britain, who together are Staying at Home. Protecting the NHS and Saving Lives.
On a personal note I have come to accept this underlying feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, understandable given the circumstances I guess. I realise I will not be alone with this feeling and it was interesting to be advised by psychologists to write it all down. Out of the mind and onto the paper.
Since Boris Johnson’s admission into hospital I have noticed an upsurge in my anxiety level, surprisingly I now feel leaderless and rudderless during what has become the most critical and worldwide crisis of my lifetime. This is not a feeling I have experienced before. Normally I am a sceptic when it comes to Parliament, Government and Politicians in general, not really knowing who to believe or trust most of the time. With our Country on a cliff edge I have to acknowledge I began to believe we had a Government and PM who were trying to do their best for the people, under the most stressful and unprecedented circumstances. Without Boris leading the way, I suddenly feel vulnerable. This is a new, surprising and a most unnerving feeling for me. I find my thoughts straying to an image of him in ICU and I hope he is fighting it and going to pull through. Selfishly I want him back Captaining the ship.
My nights’ sleep are now disturbed by vivid dreams and periods of semi-sleep resulting in waking up and feeling almost as tired as I did when I went to bed. Luckily occasionally I get one good night. This helps with my sanity levels. That and dancing wildly and singing loudly in the shower to Moves like Jagger – Maroon 5. (My daughter and son-in-law introduced me to this song when they were cooking lunch for us one day and started dancing to it in the kitchen.) For some reason singing this in a morning makes me feel a little better.
On the other side to all this during the day I am filling my time relatively positively, whether this is an unconscious mental resilience or something I have learned over the years I don’t know. These feelings of anxiety I realise have taken me back to my childhood and I now appreciate that this is how I felt during most of it. My experiences growing up were difficult, sometimes traumatic but I am a survivor and I am more determined now I don’t want to live my final years debilitated with fear and anxiety over things I cannot control.
I have always been a lover of nature and a simple way of life. When I look over the orchard through the window (not our Orchard I am afraid), I am reminded of the trees I used to climb as a child in our orchard at home. Or sitting on the pigsty roof playing hide and seek with my dog and then lying in the long grass stroking the soft fur around her ears.
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So today I have decided to explore the little bit of greenness that we are lucky enough to have at the back of our house and not simply look through it like I usually do. Once outside I quickly find myself tuning in to the bird song and spot a robin sat under the honeysuckle, diving onto the lawn every so often to eat the insects. I am really noticing the colours of the flowers and the intricacies of their petals. I have found a whole host of primroses on the far side of one of the borders too. The changing shapes of the trees as the new leaves unfurl and the shadows they create because of the low lying sun. There is a heavy scent in the air which, after googling it ,I discover is the muscari. It likes it in the shade apparently and we have a lot of that.
There are so many bees and as they are flying all around me I am surprised by the noise. If they were as big as they sound I am sure they would never get off the ground. More worryingly I have also spotted some very large hornets and I mean big!!
The sunny weather seems to have brought out the butterflies. Peacock, Red Admiral and Tortoiseshell plus a couple of others I don’t know the names of unfortunately, but it is lovely watching them dance together around the garden and over the roof of the house.
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I have spent a contented few hours photographing and relaxing in my little bit of garden and this has given me time to forget the bigger picture and concentrate on the myriad of wonderful things right in front of me. And I feel lucky.
Thank you for taking some time to read this blog. We are all in this together and we both hope you are keeping safe and well.
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